Ya learn somethin' new every day....

A very sweet elderly woman just wished me a happy holiday season. The conversation started out as any average well wishing but quickly evolved into, well let's just say, something else.

Sweet old lady: "You have a merry christmas, a happy new year, and a happy hanukkah. I don't know what you celebrate so I'll wish you all of them."

Me: "Well thank you. I hope you have a lovely holiday season as well."

Sweet old lady: "Christmas is a religious holiday and Hanukkah is a religious holiday but many people don't realize that New Years is a religious holiday as well."

Me: "hmmm" <wracks brain for forgotten Catholic celebration>

Sweet old lady: "Yes, it's religious because it's the day that Jesus was circumsized."

Me: <uncomfortable pause followed by tiny giggle> "I did not know that."

Sweet old lady: "You come visit me and I'll tell you everything I know."

Me: "Well, you take care. Buhbye."

I actually hung up the phone and laughed out loud. Then I got to thinking...did she really mean circumsized or was it one of those situations where she just had the wrong word? Like when my grandmother says testicles instead of tentacles. Hey, it happens.

So tell me....what happened to Jesus on New Years Day?

Post Edit: One of my friends did some research and it turns out the old lady was right. January 1st is an actual Christian holiday called....get ready for it.....The Feast of the Circumcision. Thank you Wikipedia! The only thing I can say about that is "feast" and "circumcision" are two words that should never be in the same sentence.

You can get with this or you can get with that....

Take your pick, ladies.

I'm not sure which was worse today....guy with black eye smoking in front of unemployment office OR guy blowing snot rocket as he passed me on the sidewalk.

All I want for Christmas is...

Boots!

Okay, so I'm receiving some lovely boots for xmas this year, ones that I can wear to work in either casual or office chic situations.

Buuut....I need another pair of boots, ones that I can wear kicking around the yard, shoveling snow, and walking the dog. Cheap boots. Unassuming boots.

Sooo......I check the usual sites - Target, Wallyworld, etc...and I find these!

Um, Seriously? These babies are for sale at walmart.com to the tune of $423.00! Not only are they hideously ugly (and I would imagine extremely uncomfortable), but since when does Walmart sell $400 shoes!???

Yes, that's a straw protruding from her royal heinie. I would think that would make you not want to drink from it but someone obviously thought this was an okay marketing scheme. I wonder if they're a big seller.

She's a lady. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Ah, Belle...the picture of beauty and grace.

So demure and...wait what is that!?

What's wrong with this picture?

Aren't they considerate?

Good news! You can eat all the delicious sugar laden treats you want

because the diabetes supplies and meds are FREE! Hooray!

aaaargh!

If the most common symptom of dry eyes is burning and stinging, why is the most common side effect of the treatment also burning and stinging!? Let's hear it for medical progress!

Clearance on Aisle 5!

No wonder these weren't hot sellers. The last thing people want in their kitchen is #2!  I know I don't want it in mine.

Holy Crap!

I am a victim of shared bathrooms at work and the people who use them. I know I promised not to talk about work, but this technically is about the building I work in and I'm really grossed out. How hard is it, really, to flush??? What makes a person think that someone else is responsible to send their left behind gifts off to the sewage treatment plant? Is it laziness or ignorance? Twice this week I have entered the toilette only to run out gagging....luckily, both incidents occured before lunch. The sad thing is, I know who the offender is. I'm just too nice to say anything or too embarassed for them.

Things that make you go hmmmm........

Let me just preface my question by saying that I am a member of the not-so-svelte club and therefore am allowed to say whatever I want about fat people. What I'm wondering is....why do really overweight people buy really small cars? There seems to be an overwhelming number of big people in teensy tiny cars cruising around. What makes a large marge decide to purchase a subcompact vehicle and squish into it every day? Is it because they spend all their money on food? I don't think so because empty carbs and sugar are pretty affordable. I just don't get it. Comfort is important! I won't even rent a car that small!

Oh, and while we're at it big girls....could you please stop making the rest of us look bad!? I try to put some effort into selecting clothes that actually fit and conceal some of the parts of my body I'd rather not share with the world. Why you feel the need to walk around in short shorts, bra-less tank tops, and sweats that say "juicy" across the ass, I'll never understand.

Because we all need another supernatural romance novel.....

Let's see...the market on human/vampire,  human/shapeshifter, and even human/fairy love matches is pretty much covered. So, what's left you ask? Why....human/zombie of course. My hubby and I were discussing this last night while waiting for our salted caramel hot chocolates to be made at B&N (omg they were soooo good). Whoops, distracted. Anyway...

Here's the premise for my zombie love novel that will make me millions. (That's right people! I am the next Stephanie Meyer! Heh, yeah, I wish.)

Our heroine is a sexy girl zombie (don't ask how a zombie could be sexy, I haven't figured that out yet) and her love interest is a hunky human male. He is an undertaker (forced into the trade because it's a family business perhaps) and falls in love with a young, albeit dead, woman when he has to prep her for burial.

Is your skin crawling yet? Ok, so she becomes a zombie somewhere between the wake and funeral (bitten by the rare zombie-virus-carrying arachnid - it's green and purple and loves the chilly conditions of morgues). He has to help her escape the casket before it's taken for burial. She can't believe she's dead (talk about a shocker) and then undead (double whammy!) and he never realized he had necrophiliac tendencies but they cannot deny their love for each other. (Random Trivia tip of the day: 68% of necrophiliacs "do it" because it gives them complete power over an unresponsive person.) <shudder> Technically, it's not exactly necrophilia. I mean she walks and talks. Parts eventually fall off when she walks but...let's just move on.

I haven't decided yet if she was single before she died. If she was casually dating someone prior to her demise it might ad a lover rivalry twist to the story. Our hero is torn, disgusted with himself, and yet has never felt so in love and so right before. Luckily his talents allow him to keep her fresh....ewwwwwww. She craves brains but is able to resist attacking him due to her undying, ahem, love. Yet she still needs to hunt down others to munch on (brainsssssss, braaaaaaaaainssss), so he assists her by tracking down bad guys that deserve to become someone's lunch. See, now it has a humanitarian aspect. It's all very "Death Becomes Her" meets "Dexter". I shall call it "Be Still My Heart" or "Necrophiliove". Too much?

Random.......

Walking into work today, I saw not one, but two, pairs of abandoned women's shoes. How does this happen? They weren't terribly old or ruined shoes. They were just left in a random location - one in front of unemployment office and the other in a parking deck. Did their owner just walk out of them and continue on barefoot? Get carried away? Find a better pair? I expect to see the occasional single shoe on the side of the road. But a pair? Two pairs? Straaaaange.

Aw...I love Fall

How can this lead to a rant? Because today it was my down-fall. Get it? (Did I mention I was corny???) Yeaaaaah. Moving on.

Had a craving for a pumpkin spiced beverage this morning. Was determined not to go to national coffee/donut chain store even though there are 3 of them in a square mile in my hometown. Why pay for what I can make at home right? Sigh....
I made myself a homemade pumpkin spice chai latte complete with caramel drizzle. Mmmmmm, it's gonna be so good! After pouring my glorious concoction into my travel mug to take to work, I realized that the cup wasn't quite full. No problem, I'll just add a little more soy milk (yes, I'm lactose intolerant on top of all the other crap I have to deal with) to my mug and nuke it for a minute to add in. That's when I, without thinking of course, poured cold liquid into a glass mug that had just been full of steaming hot latte. "Crack!" <lowers head> damn. I loved that mug - cobalt blue and the only thing I have left from my freshman year of college (prior to transferring for the remainder of my education). Oh well, into the trash it went. I've still got my fabulous latte. Right?

5 minutes later, my hubby and I are cruising our way to work. "Oh hell!" Didn't I leave the travel mug on the kitchen counter!? Son of a........too late to go back. I ended up going to said coffee/donut shop anyway (waited in a ridiculous drive thru line) and here's the thing...I got a pumpkin spice latte (made with skim because said chain doesn't carry soy milk? How much trouble would this really be for them? grrrrrrrr....) and that got me to thinking. Why did I just pay over $2 for a "latte" that is just an iced coffee? Seriously, the small latte is more than the medium iced coffee and it's the same thing. Don't tell me it isn't. Tastes the same. The same flavor can be added to either. They're not back there chilling freshly made espresso for my iced latte.

Well, at least I successfully brought my lunch to work.

That's what it's all about....

I was never good at keeping diaries or journals, so let's hope this goes better.
My goals for this blog: to give someone a chuckle (even if it's just myself); to be a bright spot in someone's day (I know, I know, I already am); to point out things you may or may not have noticed that may or may not make you laugh, have a full out snit fit, join in my anger, or feel the need to say "right on, sister". Most of my posts will be cranky, irritable, hopefully humorous, and sometimes all out enraged rants. Oh, I will also talk inevitably about cute stuff. If you don't like it, I won't be offended. If you do like it, carry on reading and tell your friends.

People tell me daily "oh, you're so funny". Here's the thing....I think it's more that funny or odd things happen to me OR maybe I just take more notice when these things happen, than the average joe (or jane in this case). When something ridiculous happens or I am feeling particularly feisty about a specific subject, I'll post about it. I won't use profanity (well not much) and I will make an extra effort to not use any other terrible four letter words such as work (<shiver> ugh, let's never speak of it again). All names will be changed (albeit creatively) to protect the innocent (or more likely not so innocent when it comes to my angry-eyes rants). It is my strong feeling that if you don't experience anger, you aren't paying attention. That being said, anger will get you no where if you don't vent it out or take some kind of action (keepin' it legal, people).

Anyway...I could go on forever (silence! friends and family members who know this is true). Let's get started, shall we?

Heeeeeeeeere weeee goooooooooo!